Forgive me Father... For I am hurting

**In relation to my post on May 5, 2008**

" Please forget everything about me. Im really sorry. I have good reasons why im doing this. Please take care. Thank you so much for loving me. I love you. Goodbye... "


This was the content of his reply to my email.

I'm hurting, but just a little.

Forgive Me Father... For I am UNFAITHFUL

I know I am unfaithful. But what can I do. I find it so hard to not be one.

I was never like this before. Maybe, the past experiences that I had turned me into this.

Don't think I don't feel any guilt whenever I meet up with someone else or when I am exchanging messages with somebody else other than my partner. I do feel so much guilt! But what can I do. I enjoy the attention. I am just enjoying it.

I am bad! And I know it!
Shit! This is killing me!

Tell me what to do. What I must do?! Tell me!



Credits:
Picture (unfaithful lover by agenfae at deviantart.com)

Forgive Me Father... For I cried because of somebody else

I was so depressed last night. I know I shouldn't be, but I was. I was so sad and depressed that, being the masochist I am, I had to enhance the emotion with sad love songs.

This guy, who has been very nice and sweet to me for months had bid himself goodbye. He is leaving for the states and he doesn't know when he will be back.

I feel so down because I know I will miss him. I'll miss the way we talk and the way we text each night. I will miss everything about him/us.

Yes, it has come to an end. But I know I shouldn't be this sad. He is not my partner.

I don't want to say that he is just some guy I was talking to because we both felt there was more to it. But then again, I don't know how to describe what he is to me, so I guess, he is just some guy I was talking to. A guy who I got comfortable with talking.

Goodbye to you. Till we meet again.



**Last night, before he left, he told me that his song for me is this..

Forgive Me Father... For I am listening to this song

My iPod is on REPEAT MODE and only one keeps playing on and on...

Forgive me Father... For I am thinking of somebody else

I woke up today with somebody else on my mind. And damn it! This is not good!

I feel restless, too lazy to even get up and go out of my room. All I am doing now is think of what happened last night and how amazing the feeling was. I still cannot believe that it happened. I never thought it will ever happen again, after all this time. But it did happen. And now, a mixture of guilt and confusion covers me.

Am I hooked to him again? Please, no! It was just sex and that's just it. I know its like that to him, nothing more, nothing else. And besides, I have a partner. I shouldn't expect more. What I am doing is too much sin already and entertaining this emotion is a kill.

Yes! I should stop thinking of him.
It was just sex! Sex is just sex!!! Damn it! It was just sex!!!!!!

Forgive me Father... For I am thinking of somebody else.



Credits:
Picture (less thinking more events2y by stefa zozokovich of deviantart.com)

Forgive Me Father... For I had sex with somebody else

Sex is just sex.
Or isn't it???

Now lets spill the beans. I had sex with someone I used to go out with, and yes, the operative word is "used to", so meaning he is not my current partner. Bad?! I know. But honestly speaking, I still like him. And that is the reason why I agreed to go with him and do it.

I never thought that we'll get to be in touch again after all this time. It was unexpected. And it felt awkward in a way because the way we parted ways before wasn't the best kind of letting go two people dating would do. One was left hurt badly and other one left with the burden of guilt. Apparently, it was I who was the one left badly hurt.

Maybe you are asking why, why did I still agree to have sex with him even if he had hurt me before? My answer to that is because I still like him and I thought... IT'S JUST SEX! and it is with someone I like.

I'm no pervert. I don't have sex with whoever comes my way. I'm not easy! Come'on! I still have decency and self-respect. It's just that, something in me made me want to do it. And yes, I did felt excited and I didn't even think twice to agree to his invitation.

I know what I did is wrong, knowing the fact that there I am committed with somebody else, but I can't help it. I so like this person even before I met this person I am going steady with. And I thought that this may be a chance for me see if I still feel intensely in to this other guy.

So did I enjoy it? Did I feel that I am still into this other guy?

Enjoy? Not quite. Into this other guy? I don't think so.

Again, let me repeat. Now, its just sex. No strings attached. No emotions included. So I guess that is why I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would.... because there is no emotion anymore. Its just plain sex. And that's just it.

Actually, I enjoyed the conversation we had more than the sex itself. Its been awhile since we last met up and talked, and I guess this gave me/him the chance to clear things up, which we quite did during the conversation that we had. Somehow it felt good hearing him answer questions that have been left unanswered all this time. It was a closure of the past that we had.

I don't know if what we did opened a new kind of relationship for us, but I don't think it did. Maybe as fuck buddies. I seriously don't know. But I am open for it. I like him and in a way he's good in bed.

Of course, the fact that I am in a commitment right now is still on my mind. And that is still my priority. What I am doing is totally wrong. But my partner still goes first. I think I am just doing just to have fun. A kind of fun that I know will hurt my partner if he finds out. So zip your lips guys!

I love my partner. I really do.
But now, I think I just want to have some fun for myself.

So... FORGIVE ME FATHER... FOR I HAD SEX WITH SOMEBODY ELSE (and I think it will happen again.)


Credits:
Picture (Unfaithful by ninoygadink)

Forgive Me Father... For I feel discontent

I've been going steady with someone for quite sometime now, but I still can't help myself from feeling discontented. I know that it is wrong for me to feel this way because he is doing everything he can just to please me. But I don't know, WHY!!!? even with all the things that he is doing for me, I'm feeling like this! The guilt is killing me and I honestly do not know what to do.

All of my friends say that I am lucky to have him and I know that it is true. I am really very luck to have him in my life, but what must I do now that I am feeling this way?!

Honestly, I know why I am feeling discontented even though I am with this person. What that is? I think you'll figure that out when you read my upcoming post.

Right now. I know I am selfish to not do anything about what I am feeling.

I love this person I am with and I don't want to loose him. But I certainly looking for something else, craving for something else.

Oh this is crap! I hate this feeling!!!

FORGIVE ME FATHER.. FOR I AM FEELING DISCONTENTED.